Are you ready for a romantic relationship?

If you are looking for love or considering getting romantically involved with someone, first reflect on why you are doing it. If you are happy and fulfilled in yourself and are simply open to the idea of finding a partner, that’s marvellous and we wish you the best of luck. If, however, you feel you need to be in a relationship, we suggest you would be much better off focusing on other areas of your life before you start a relationship.

On this page, we are going to look at the top five worst reasons to get into a romantic relationship and at positive things you can do before you start a relationship, to give yourself the best chance of finding your ideal partner.

Now, what we are about to say may sound harsh. We are NOT here to judge you or to criticise you destructively. What we are trying to achieve is to get you to take a long, hard, honest look into your own heart and see whether any of what’s in this section applies to you. If it doesn’t, that’s great. You’re probably ready for a romantic relationship.

But if it does, think carefully before you make a commitment to anyone. YOU will suffer in the long-run if you marry someone for the wrong reasons. Never mind the moral implications or the effect it may have on the other person, it will ultimately come back to bite YOU. You owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself and to sort yourself out before you get involved with another person, hoping that he or she will fill in the gaps in you.

The top five WORST reasons even to start a relationship,
let alone get married

5. I need some to validate me and make me feel special

If you are insecure and lonely and someone shows an interest in you, it’s easy to be swept away by gratitude and the pleasure of being loved.

If this is how you feel, you are NOT a bad person. But you may be an unhappy person if you rely on your partner to provide your self-esteem. Before you get into a romantic relationship or, if you are already in one, certainly before you think about getting married, try out some of the suggestions listed in the next section. You need to be comfortable with who you are and content with your life before you hook up romantically with another person. Otherwise, you will probably attract the wrong sort of person and you will certainly have unrealistic expectations of the relationship.

4. I need to escape from my current situation and I can’t do it by myself

If you are unhappy and worn down, it’s easy to feel you lack the strength to change things but this is a very bad basis for a new relationship.

If you are in an abusive marriage, there are professional people out there who can help you to get out of it. Try a psychotherapist, a counsellor, a social worker or, if it’s really bad, the police. By all means, accept help from a friend or someone who loves you – whatever it takes, in these circumstances, is worth it – but don’t confuse your gratitude to him or her with love and don’t feel obliged to make it up to him or her after he or she has helped you, or you risk allowing history to repeat itself.

If you want to get married to escape from living with your parents, just be aware that you may be moving out of the frying pan into the fire. Somehow, you need to move out, on your own or with friends, and find out who you are before you enter into a marriage.

If you are just generally depressed, the right psychotherapist will be of far longer-lasting benefit than a romantic relationship. Honestly.

3. Habit. I’ve just finished a relationship and it doesn’t feel right to be on my own

Again, this is very understandable but you won’t find the best relationship if this is your reason for wanting one. Make a go of life as a single person before you get involved in a new relationship and the chances of your finding the right partner this time will dramatically increase. See below for ways to build yourself a fulfilling life on your own.

2. I’m bored

A new romance is exciting but, unless the relationship has a firm foundation, the excitement will fade, sooner or later, and may be replaced with something much worse than boredom.

If you are married and start an affair, this will end in tears – probably those of everyone involved but certainly yours. However exciting it is, it’s NOT worth it! Either sort out your marriage or end it but don’t think you can have your cake and eat it.

If you are unfulfilled by your life and feel that a romantic relationship would spice it up a bit, we would strongly recommend that you find excitement elsewhere before getting involved in a relationship. You’ve got to think about what you’re bringing to the relationship as well as what you can get out of it. Have a look at our suggestions in the next section for ways to find stimulation, satisfaction and self-esteem without looking for those needs to be met by a relationship.

1. Money. You’ve got it and I want it

No, no, no! No amount of money is worth living in a bad relationship. If money is your priority, make your own, don’t even think about using somebody else’s. Marrying for money is condemning yourself to a life of subservience, humiliation, frustration, regret and probably guilt. Don’t do it.

OK, that’s that negative part over. Now, what can you do in a positive way to make yourself ready for a romantic relationship?

The top five BEST ways to get yourself ready
to enter a romantic relationship

1. Love yourself

We don’t mean, of course, that you should love yourself more than other people or that you should become selfish. But it is essential to your wellbeing that you should love yourself and know that you are important and you deserve to be happy.

In terms of relationships, it is much less likely that someone else will love you as you deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself. To a great extent, people will take you at your own valuation – so tell them (without necessarily saying it in so many words) how fantastic you are.

If you don’t love yourself, you will give out the wrong signals to potential partners and attract the wrong sort of person.

Tell yourself, until you come to believe it, that you are a strong, confident, capable person. Because you are.

2. Have a job that fulfils you

If your job provides you with stimulation and satisfaction, and if your boss and/or colleagues acknowledge and (even occasionally) praise and thank you for the work you do, this will go a very long way to meeting important needs we all have. This will mean you won’t need to look for so much stimulation, satisfaction and recognition from a partner, which will take a lot of pressure off your relationship.

3. Have some adventures/challenge yourself

There is nothing like passing a test to make us feel good about ourselves. If you occasionally push yourself to do something you find difficult or a bit scary, you’ll get a rush of satisfaction when you have achieved it.

Do something you like the idea of, not something you won’t enjoy. And, of course, be aware of your physical limitations. (Your mental limitations are what we are aiming to eliminate.) Here are a few suggestions, though there are a million things you could do.

• Hike up a challenging mountain or big hill
• Try surfing, skiing, abseiling or some such activity
• Travel abroad by yourself
• Give a talk to a local society about one of your interests
• Apply for the job you’ve always wanted

4. Have absorbing, satisfying hobbies and interests

In the same way as we can get a lot of our needs met through the right job, we can derive a great deal of pleasure, self-validation and confidence from the right hobby.

5. If you feel you can’t do these things without help, find yourself a life coach or a psychotherapist

If you feel depressed, your self-esteem and confidence are probably low too. You don’t have to go on living like this. There are lots of people out there who can help you to work through your problems, find a sense of purpose and come to value yourself as the capable, lovable person you really are.

There is absolutely no shame in asking a professional for help. Many, many people are in coaching or therapy these days - and benefiting enormously from it.

Don’t suffer alone. Ask for some help. You’re worth it.