Is he right for you? Advice for women

If you are beginning to wonder whether the man you are seeing is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, the following questions may help to focus your mind. Of course, these are no more than generalisations, designed to make you think rather than give you facts or fixed advice.

Do you really love him?
If you can’t answer a loud YES, without hesitation, why not?

Does he love you?
If you’re not sure, wait until you are.

Is this your first serious relationship?
If it is, it’s more difficult to be sure that this one is special.

How long have you known this man?
Less than three months is generally far too soon to know for sure.

How old are you?
Making a commitment too young can lead to restlessness later in life. If you’re under 20, it may be too soon to think about marriage.

How old is he?
If he is more than ten years older than you are, ask yourself whether you might be looking for a father, someone to look after you rather than to be an equal partner. Is this man willing to be that for you? Is that the sort of marriage you want?

If he is more than ten years younger than you are, there is a possibility that he is looking for a mother. This doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be happy together but it’s a thought worth considering.

How often do you argue and what about?
This will tell you something about your compatibility and how much you share in term of values and beliefs. The occasional argument is normal and healthy but endless rowing is not a good basis for marriage. If you have the remotest feeling that you need this man more than you need to be happy, look at sorting yourself out before you think about getting married.

Are this man’s plans for his life compatible with your plans for yours?
While, of course, people’s plans and goals change over time, if you have vastly differing agendas, don’t count on him abandoning or changing his. It’s not fair to ask him to and, even if you can persuade him, you will only be building up resentment for later on.

Does this man support you in your goals?
If there’s a chance he may hold you back in life, you need to think very carefully whether this is worth it. If you decide it is, it’s not fair to blame him later on.

Can you imagine life without this man?
If you can see past this relationship, to a time after it has finished, it probably hasn’t got marriage potential.

Have you introduced this man to your family and friends? Have you met his family and friends?
If not, why not? If you have, how does everyone get on? If there are issues now, they will just get bigger and bigger over the years. This is not to say that any issue is insurmountable, just don’t expect it to go away by itself.

Have you got children from a previous relationship?
If you have, how do they feel about this man? If they don’t warm to him, he may not be right for you.

Do you like this man?
Even if you love him passionately, if you don’t really like him, the relationship won’t last.

Do you and he laugh and have fun together?
If not, life will be hard.

Do you admire and respect this man?
If not, he may not be the one for you.

Do you know this man’s annoying habits?
If you believe he hasn’t got any, you may still be infatuated, so wait a while before making any big decisions.

If you know them and accept them, this is extremely positive.

What do you and he talk about?
If your conversation is mainly focused on the relationship and how it’s going, this is a bad sign. Also, do you take an equal interest in each other’s lives?

Can you truly be yourself with this man?
Of course, he should bring out the best in you but you don’t want to be adapting to him for the rest of your life.

If you can truly be yourself with him, this is relatively rare and it’s wonderful.

Would you continue to love this man and stand by him if, for example, he became ill or disabled?
If not, your relationship may not be strong enough. If you would, this is extremely positive.

Do you believe he would continue to love you and stand by you if you became ill or disabled?
The same applies, though if you believe he wouldn’t and you are considering marrying him anyway, please:
a) ask him, in case you’re wrong. He may not tell you straight out that he wouldn’t stand by you but it’s a question worth asking, to gauge his reaction.
b) If you are sure he wouldn’t stay and go on loving you regardless, think very hard about what this means for your relationship.

In the case of both of these questions, we are obviously not looking at a binding contract – nobody can predict how he or she will react to this type of thing. The point is, if you are or he is not prepared to accept the “for worse” part, marriage to this man may not be a good idea.

Has this man been in a long-term relationship before?
If so, it’s worth finding out about it. It may (or may not) be painful to hear about it but you need to know the gist.

Has this man already got children?
If so, how do you get on with them – and their mother? These questions will be of everyday importance if you marry their father.

Can you imagine this man as the father of your future children? If so, is he the father you want for them?
If you can’t, this may tell its own story. If you can and you are happy with the image, this is extremely positive.